


The Big Empty

by FionaFresh1



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-06
Updated: 2012-06-14
Packaged: 2017-11-07 00:58:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/425182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FionaFresh1/pseuds/FionaFresh1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary<br/>Isabella is a junior at Forks High, with an overly controlling stage mother. Bella<br/>has learned how to balance her mother’s expectations against what she needs for<br/>sanity, but at what cost? When Edward moves to town, Bella sees life's true<br/>potential</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter one

Chapter 1  
A/N OMG I so need to thank detochkina the world's most incredible  
Beta-esque Queen for having the patients and brilliance of a saint. I cannot  
believe I am so blessed for her to actually be helping me. She truly is a  
miracle worker! She is absolute brilliance! To my lovely muse Bethrow Toll,  
I adore you and my fab pre-ready The red Ceara…I love you guys. Thanks  
readers that have stuck with me through my first attempt at a story.  
I watched as the breath of my heavy sigh faded into the morning fog. The sun  
wasn't up yet, but it wouldn't have mattered in Forks anyway. The only difference  
was that the black night turned into a dreary grey day. However, the early mornings  
were bearable. It was nearly the only thirty minutes of peace I would have all day.  
The wordless communication between my brother and I kept the peaceful morning  
untarnished. His strides kept pace with mine as we jogged through the barely lit  
street. Serenity washed over me when the adrenaline kicked in, and I pushed my  
legs harder.

With each passing block, I knew my peace was limited and the dread would be  
returning soon. I shoved the thought out my head for a few more minutes. Knots  
formed in my stomach when our time was up and our bodies turned into our  
driveway in unison.

I followed Emmett up the stone steps of our front porch, stopping just behind him  
as he reached for the doorknob.

"Okay, Bells, when I open the door, I'll go straight for the kitchen and head her off  
while you make it up to your room."

"Thanks," I breathed.

Just like every morning, he rushed to the kitchen bellowing, "MOM!" while I made  
a break up the stairs, ran down the dark hall and snuck into my room, locking the  
door behind me. With my back resting against the crisp white painted door, I  
attempted to catch my breath. Once my heart rate had slowed down, I peeled off my  
stained sweat pants and old Metallica t-shirt and stuffed them into the small wooden  
box in the closet, making sure to securely close the padlock when I was done. I will  
wash those tonight after she goes to bed, I thought. Only then did I turn on my  
bedroom light. I cringed as I surveyed my room. A shiver ran through me, as my  
eyes swept my sterile surroundings, I felt as if the coldness of it all could consume  
me. The bedspread, the carpet, even all of the photographs were in monochrome  
hues of white. I opened my closet doors further and grabbed the plastic covered  
garment bag that she had labeled "Monday" with an ivory post it note. I released a  
heavy sigh of exasperation. I shuffled my clumsy feet to my alabaster bathroom, and  
hung the garment bag on the door hook. After turning the shower on hot, I peeled  
off my cotton panties and sports bra. When the mirror steamed up, I slowly  
immersed myself in the welcoming, hot water.

I stood under the scalding stream for what felt like hours, hoping for the ever  
present knots in my stomach to dissolve. Giving up on any hope of a momentary  
escape, I lathered up with the favorite shampoo, quickly rinsing and exiting the  
shower.

Toweling off, I tried to mentally prepared myself for the day. I eyed the garment  
bag with resentment. Resisting it I knew I was waiting to put it on last. I blew-out  
my hair, and followed with a flat iron before I slid my sleek hair into a perfectly  
groomed ponytail, finally I finishing with a gold and blue ribbon.  
After putting on the dreaded skintight polyester outfit, I slowly walked down the  
stairs to the noisy kitchen.

Lingering outside the entry, I took deep breaths through my nose and released out  
of my mouth, willing myself not to give into the anxiety she managed inflicted upon  
me.  
"Emmett, what on earth is taking your sister so long?" Mother hissed.  
"Ah, come on, Ma. You know girls take forever to get all pretty. Give her a break."  
I crept into the kitchen silently and made my way over to the kitchen counter. As I  
tried to snag a piece of bacon, my mother reached back with her hot metal spatula  
and slapped my hand. I instinctively jerked it back, rubbing the pink area that had  
bloomed where she had hit me.  
"Isabella, your breakfast is on the table already," she muttered and motioned to  
the bowl of cut fruit on the place setting next to Emmett. "You know you can't have  
bacon; we can't have you getting fat. What would people think? Fat and  
ungraceful," she grumbled, shaking her head.  
Instead of concentrating on the embarrassment induced flush to my cheeks, I  
chose to settle into my seat, and quickly began to eat before my stomach started to  
growl. Emmett gave me a sad smile while he shoveled hash browns into his mouth.  
Just as they did every morning, her critical eyes raked over me. She silently  
searched for any sign of imperfection that could tarnish her impeccable reputation.  
"Well, Isabella, don't you look like school spirit incarnate!" my mother chirped "I  
just love how you look in your cheerleading uniform. It makes me so proud."

I wanted to gag at my mother's enthusiasm; this uniform was far from  
comfortable. The top was stiff and tight. The spanks made me feel like I had a  
permanent wedgie, my ass cheeks clenched at the mere thought. I hated being a  
cheerleader. I wouldn't have even made the squad if my best friends were not the  
team captains. As it was, I spent every minute of each game on the field simply  
shaking my pompoms and jumping back and forth, all the while fighting the urge to  
vomit.

Emmett shoveled the last bite full of his starch-filled breakfast into his mouth  
before he mumbled the words I longed to hear.  
"Ready to go, Bells?"

There was finally a light at the end of the tunnel. In a matter of seconds I would be  
escaping her watchful eyes for nearly ten full hours. I nodded and allowed the sense  
of relief to surge through me; Emmett scooted his chair back and made his way to  
the foyer, as always, I followed in his shadow. When I reached for my backpack,  
there was a rough pull on my ponytail, and dragged me a half step back word .  
"Isabella, come here and let me fix that." She yanked me back again, ripping my  
ponytail in half, pulling it tighter to my skull. Trying to avoid further discomfort, I  
concluded, it was best to choke back the yelp of pain trying to escape my throat. If  
she even thought for a second that I would try to challenge her, things would only  
get worse.

Mumbling a hasty thanks you, I grabbed the brown paper lunch sack and made my  
escape.

My love knew no bounds for my twin brother when he pulled into the drive thru of  
the only doughnut shop in Forks. I giggled reading the sign, "Irritable grizzly donuts." How did they come up with that shit?

I practically drooled when they passed the bacon maple bars and coffees through  
the window.

Not wasting any time, I took a huge bite out of the first donut and groaned in  
ecstasy when the delicious maple flavor hit my tongue. "God, I love you, Emmett," I  
said around a mouthful of goo. I quickly took a long pull from my hot coffee, barely  
paying attention while it scorched my throat.

Rolling his eyes at the orgasmic experience I was having with food, he gestured  
the grease stained bag toward me in a silent offer of more.

Greedily I accepted, inhaling another in a matter of seconds. I leaned back and  
enjoyed the flavor of the deep-fried fatty treat. If it wasn't for Emmett, I was sure I  
would faint at the slightest bit of exertion. Only he understood that the restricted  
diet my mother forced upon me did not keep up with my fast metabolism or my  
active lifestyle. Maybe that was because he tried to scarf down anything that came  
within three feet of his face. I snorted at the thought…he had just eaten a huge  
breakfast Mom had made for him, and now he was gobbling down donuts.  
I stared out the window, licking the last of the maple frosting off my lips, and  
sipping the coffee. I felt myself silently wishing the thick fog would lift from the  
town and the grey skies would be blown away, replaced by blue and sunshine. Then,  
just maybe, for one afternoon, I wouldn't have to pretend to be happy, because for  
once I just might be.

Who was I fooling? There was a reason Washington State has the highest rate of  
prescription anti-depressant consumption in the nation. Damn, what I wouldn't give  
to be one of those lucky medicated people right now. However, there was no room  
for my inner demons in my world, my mother simply didn't allow for them. "Fake it  
till you feel it!" was her motto for me. She just couldn't grasp that I had no desire to  
be the socialite she embodied. Emmett was happy filling that position in our high  
school. My mother was endlessly trying to make me a social butterfly, she just  
couldn't accept that I would rather be the invisible girl, moving through the crowds  
unnoticed.

If it weren't for my small circle of friends, I would have ended up in a padded  
room before my fifth birthday. My troubles started when my mother began shoving  
me ruthlessly into the pageant circuit. Though she had placed me in the infancy  
competitions, she had become a full-fledged insane stage mother on my forth  
birthday. That was when she had proudly endowed me the membership to "Twilight  
and Tiaras," a prestigious program for pageant queens.

"Earth to Bells!"

Emmett's words snapped me back to the present. Realizing we were already at

school, I surveyed the parking lot, making note of our group clustered in the  
entryway of the commons. My eyes swept the usual scene, and my attention was  
caught by a new addition to our mundane parking lot, a silver Volvo sat on the outer  
edge. The owner appeared to have gone out of their way to park as far away from  
the other cars as possible. It was shiny. I mean, like really shiny, as if it had either  
just been driven off the lot or its owner had recently polished it with a Sherpa baby  
blanket and balm.

As always Emmett and I moved in unison and he caught sight of the same car.  
"Huh…we must have like a guest speaker or something for spirit week," he  
mumbled.

Shrugging, I headed toward our group of friends, immediately annoyed that my  
boyfriend was intermingled among them.

"Still haven't kicked Jake to the curb, huh?" Emmett's laughter was nothing but  
condescending.. "Bells, you really should just put that boy out of his misery, just  
shoot him quick. Old Yeller style."

Fearful that the group would hear us as we drew closer, I had no other choice but  
to rein my brother in.

"Shut it,"

No sooner had I spoken those words, I was the last thing on my brothers mind. His  
girlfriend, Rose, had quickly closed the gap between them, entwined her body with  
his and wrapped her arms around his neck. She giggled when he whispered into her  
ear, then, without warning, she began to passionately consume his face with her  
mouth. They had no discretion in their little make out session.

Awkwardly, I averted my gaze in time to see Jake bouncing toward me with an  
opened-mouth smile. I felt even more queasy at the mere sight of him. He reminded  
me of dog, a slobbering smelly mutt. I attempted to muster a smile, sadly, it  
probably appeared to be more of a grimace. Within seconds he had wrapped his  
arms around me, forcefully gripped my ass under my skirt, and pulled my hip into  
him. When he started jamming his tongue down my throat, I had to stop myself from  
gagging.

"Good God, give a girl a warning!" I hissed through clenched teeth.

"Oh, baby, you look so fucking hot in that outfit I wanna bend you over right here."  
I was utterly repulsed by him and I could not possibly escape him fast enough.

"You are fucking disgusting," I mumbled

I was pretty sure that he was staring at my ass when he laughed and trailed  
behind me like a pathetic puppy in heat. I couldn't help but duck into the nearest  
bathroom.

Safely inside, I threw my bag on the ground next to the stained porcelain sink. I  
splashed my face, with cold water and sighed in frustration. Blinking through the  
water drops on my eyelashes, I recognized the two unmistakable blurry forms.  
With her hands on her hips and a tight smile on her lips, Rose's stance was  
already one of demand and control.

"Okay, Swan, take off your top," she demanded.

Hoping Ali was distracted with digging through her industrial size makeup bag, I  
lunged forward and ran in a pathetic attempt to dart around them to escape out the  
bathroom door. Unfortunately I wasn't fast enough. Rose grabbed me around the  
waist, lifted me off of the ground, and dragged me back to in front of the mirrors.  
"Listen here! Today is school picture day, you are not going to tarnish the cheer  
team's photos and piss off your mom by looking like that."  
I zoned out as Rose continued on with her lecture. I knew what they were  
planning to do to me, and I was not pleased.

Ali simply bounced up and down, nodding excitedly while Rose's rambled.

"Now, take the damn top off or I will do it for you." She didn't even try to  
sugar-coat her demand; her tone made it very clear she was in a,  
do-it-or-I-will-beat-your-ass, kind of mood.

I groaned, obediently removing my top, and set it on the corner of the dank sink.

As if fondling my breasts was the morning greeting between us, Rose shoved a hand  
filled with a rubbery plastic insert into my bra cups, which my tits nothing short of a  
monstrosity.

In silent hope that their attempt to transform me was finished, I fumbled to get my  
top back on and watched Ali dance from foot to foot in excitement.

"Not yet, Bella, I don't want to get your uniform all icky," She chirped in her  
child-like voice.

I glared at her in what I hoped was an intimidating way. Completely unaffected by  
my death stare, she ignored me and swirled her enormous powder brush around and  
around in the pot of fluffy foundation.

"Now hold still and stop pouting, it's not like it's gonna hurt."

I squeezed my eyes closed, and sealed my mouth shut, waiting for her assault.  
Right then, a nameless, awkward, unsuspecting freshman chose to burst in.

"Get the fuck out, Freshy!" Rose barked.

I giggled when I heard the girl stumbled out faster than she had one would have  
imagined possible.

"Is this really necessary?" I asked, directing my plea at Ali.

She was armed with chubby chocolate brown eyeliner and the gleam in her eye  
that told me she was planning to paint me like a raccoon eyed whore.  
When they shouted an overly excited "Yes" in unison, I knew it was useless to  
fight. They were the fashion mafia of the school, and would gladly hold me down to  
achieve their goal if necessary; some best friends I had. I drew the line when the  
mascara came out. I knew Ali was a pro, but what if she poked my eye out?

"Well then, I will just have to use falsies," she wasn't deterred.

Standing in defiance I crossed over my shirtless chest. "Fine!" I snapped back.  
I submitted myself, assuming perfectly still position, and let her glue the "natural"  
looking eyelashes to my lid, counted to fifteen, and repeated on the other.  
When she was finally done, I scrambled to put my top on and assessed image in  
the mirror. I nearly groaned aloud when I noticed my cleavage was peeking up  
through the neckline of my top. I glared at Rose and Ali in the mirrors reflection,  
and dramatically rolled my eyes at their satisfied smirks.

"Are we done here?" I asked

"What? No thank you to your makeover team?" The words came snidely from  
Rose's mouth. "You know your mom would have shit baby geese if you didn't look  
proper for the yearbook." When Rose said proper, she did that annoying air quote  
thing with her perfectly manicured fingernails. At times she could be melodramatic.

"Yeah, I know. Thanks, you two." Though I was trying to be appreciative, it still  
came out snarky.

"Look, Bells, we have all been besties since birth. We know you would rather wear  
a dingy rocker T-shirt and be all emo and stuff, but it's just not in your cards. We  
don't do this to torment you; it's what is expected, we're just watching your back  
babe." With those words of love, Ali hooked her arm undermine and led the way to  
homeroom class.

The knot in my stomach only seemed to grow with each passing minute. I avoided  
mirrors as well as windows for fear of catching sight of my overly done reflection.

I fucking hate my life.

After homeroom, I headed straight to the school library. Plugged in my ear buds, I  
turned on "Punk Rock Girl" by the Dead Milkman and prepared for re-shelving  
books. This was by far my favorite class, being a teacher's aide had benefits. The  
library was usually empty during first period so I could tune out the world around  
me and just rock out to my favorite music. While loading the books into my cart,  
when I felt a tap on my shoulder I jumped in surprise, I hastily removed an ear bud  
and turned to meet the eyes of Mr. Banner.

"Isabella, you're wanted in the office."

Mumbling my thanks, I headed toward my new destination.

Entered the office, Ms. Cope greeted me with a denture filled smile. "Well, hello,  
sugar, how is your mother?"

Knowing that I had to choose my words carefully with this woman, I kept my  
response short and sweet.

"Very good, thank you."

"Will she be at the ladies luncheon for the garden club this week? We have tons to  
discuss for the winter carnival."

"I don't really know her schedule, ma'am, but I'm sure if you called her she would  
make it a priority to attend," I responded and punctuated with an obnoxiously yellowed toothy smile.

"Well, Isabella, seeing as you are a member of one of the most prominent families  
in town, we would like you to take our newest student under your wing, show him  
around and help him make friends."

I had to resist the urge to snort when she said prominent families. She really  
didn't need to remind me; I had been trapped in this life for Seventeen years and I  
knew my role well. I surely didn't doubt that if my demeanor alluded to anything but  
sunshine and ponies, she would scurry straight to my mother to tattle like the bitch  
she was.

Ms. Cope was a catty old crotch and her face was absolutely hideous. Today, her  
fat body was squeezed into a brightly colored, polyester shirt. Whenever I looked at  
her, images of the Gungan king from Star Wars haunted my minds eye.

"Well of course, Ms. Cope, I would be glad to." My response was filled with an obnoxious amount of false cheer.

God, sometimes I even disgust myself.

"Why don't you have a seat until he comes out of the Principals office?"

While she spoke, I was transfixed by the wobble of the fat-filled wrinkled flesh that  
lived below where her chin was supposed to be.

Tearing my eyes away from the disgusting scene that was Ms. Cope, I obediently  
settled into one of the uncomfortable orange plastic chairs adjacent to her desk.  
Playing with my Ipod, I contemplated the many reasons why I could have been  
chosen to help out. I sighed in frustration; new people were always a bit odd in the  
beginning. I really didn't want to deal with helping someone else through their  
awkwardness, I had a hard enough time hiding my own and it was just too  
exhausting.

I tilted my head down and twirled a piece of hair through the tips of my fingers  
while I stared aimlessly at the floor in front of the Principal's office door.  
Jumping in surprise when the door opened unexpectedly, I observed chocolate  
brown Vans exiting. My eyes traveled upward to his dark blue low slung jeans and  
faded Stone Temple Pilots t-shit. His pebble grey army style jacket was crumpled at  
the sleeve where the strap of his dark leather messenger bag rested. His profile was  
nothing to be ashamed of; a chiseled jaw line covered in light stubble, with black  
horn rimmed glasses rested on his nose. His unruly bronze hair was partially  
covered by a dark brown beanie.

Hmm, he wasn't unfortunate at all. He was down-right smokin hot, why would he  
need a guide for an entire week?

"Well, Edward, I hope you enjoy our school. I know it is a bit smaller than St.  
Matthews, but we are proud of the quaint environment."

A sharp snort escaped the boy the Principal had addressed as Edward.  
"I'm sure you are," he grumbled. Staring down at his feet, he shifted the weight of  
his bag further up his shoulder. His shirt lifted, giving me a quick peak of his  
chiseled abs.

Mmmmm, Very nice.

Ignoring him, Mr. Greene continued on with his welcoming ramble. "We have  
arranged for a student to be your guide through the next week. She is to help you  
become acquainted with our material as well as our traditions. It's spirit week, and  
we expect all of the student body to participate to the best of their ability."  
"I'm sure you do, but don't be surprised by my lack of ability." Edward snarled.  
"Son, behave," a beautiful woman with auburn hair standing next to him, prodded  
him gently.

"Whatever, Mom. Can I go now? I'm sure there is plethora of things for me to  
become acquainted with." His tone was less than charming, and for the first time  
since laying eyes on him I was dreading having to deal with his moody ass.  
Mr. Green beckoned me with a wave of his hand.

I immediately popped to my feet and meekly walked to the group. "This is Isabella  
Swan. She will be your guide for the next week." Mr. Greene announced proudly.  
Edwards eyes actively scanned my body, when they came to rest on my breasts,  
an arrogant smirk rested on his lips.

"Oh joy, a fucking cheerleader," Edward mumbled.

My face flushed with embarrassment, and I longed for the ground to open up and  
consume me.

Oh, he is going to be a fun one. I mused, sarcastically in my head.

"Can't I have a band geek or something? You can't expect me to follow around  
some ridiculous mindless drone for an entire week," he turned back to Mr. Greene,

"What am I supposed to do, hold her fucking pompoms?"

"That will be enough, Edward," his mother, she glanced at me with an apology in  
her eyes.

"What-the-fuck-ever, Mom. You drag me to this pathetic hell hole to rot, while you  
travel the world. Let me just take a second to rein in my fucking enthusiasm. And  
this..." He gestured toward me "This is just fucking pathetic!"

His mother gripped his arm and leaned her mouth into his ear. His face twisted up  
into a scowl as he processed what she was saying, then he ripped his arm from her  
grasp.

"Fine, I get it. Come on, let's go, Isabella," he pushed past me and exited out into the schools corridors.

I grabbed his schedule from Ms. Cope, and jogged after him. I was surprised to  
see that he had moved so swiftly, in such a short period of time he had made it over  
halfway down the hall. I increased my pace, hoping I would catch up to him faster.  
To my surprise, just as I reached him, he stopped abruptly and nearly caused me to  
run into him.

"Look here, Isabella" Just as I reached him, he stopped abruptly, nearly causing  
me to run into him. H rubbed his forehead without turning to me . "I am only going to  
say this once, so if you need me to speak slowly so your stunted mind can  
comprehend, I suggest you let me know now."

When he turned around, his cold dark eyes met mine. I felt the blood drain from  
my face. Out of habit, I nibbled harshly on my lower lip.

"I don't need a mentally stunted, shallow little whore, guiding me around this  
pathetic shit-hole excuse for a town. Now, why don't you run along and blow the  
quarterback." With his last words, he gestured his right hand in dramatic sweeping  
dismissal.

Before I knew what I was doing, my right fist connected with his jaw, catching him  
off guard and knocking him flat on his ass. Breathing heavily, I stood firmly, my  
hands clenched at my sides, and stared down at him.

With the look of shock he lifted his hand to rub his jaw.

"You crazy little bitch! Did you forget your Midol this morning?"

Seething from the disgusting innuendo, my balled fists shook at my sides.  
"My twin brother is the quarterback, you ass hat," I spat, before I turned and  
stalked away with a slight grin on my face.

It was obvious that I had surprised him and it felt good. The benefit of having a  
brother that outweighed you by a hundred pounds was that I had learned to hold my  
own. As I continued to trott away from him, I could hear him grumbling from the  
floor behind me, and for the first time in ages, there was a new bounce to my step. I  
rubbed my right hand realizing it had a slight sting to it and oddly I was enjoying the  
pain. It accompanied my victory and I found it liberating. I arrived at my locker as  
the bell rang. Moving fast and shoveled the necessary books for my next class into  
my bag.

I was rattled by a small pinch to my right butt cheek. I whipped around expecting  
to have the rare opportunity to slap Jake, instead I found a giddy little Alice.

"Ali, I almost slapped you!" I laughed,

"It was worth it just to see you jump! Why are you so giddy today? Did your mom  
finally pack you a cheeseburger or something?"

I rolled my eyes.

"I wish! No... no reason I'm just having a good day." I grinned.  
Having a good day because I got to physically assault an asshole.  
Watching my rare display of joy, Ali cocked her head and grinned up at me.  
"Well, come on, Susie Sunshine. It's picture time." She grabbed my hand and lead  
me to the gym.  
I couldn't help but skip with her while pondering if I should take up a violent sport  
as a hobby. Spurring me on, my mind flitted through images of me in full body gear,  
taking down a muscled man as an MMA fighter.

However, I knew that my mother would never let me do anything that would  
jeopardize the pretty face that kept me in the pageant circuit. I pushed the  
unwelcome thoughts of my mother from my mind, willing myself to not let her  
snatch my rare good mood. For once, I might take a photo without a fake smile. Just  
to boost my morale, I mentally replayed the feeling of my fist making contact with  
the guys jaw, him falling backward and landed on his ass. The look of shock that  
distorted his beautiful face when he rubbed it, popping his jaw open and closed.  
Yeah, that almost made me cackle with laughter. I swear, he even seemed slightly  
amused at the moment, but who was I to care? Maybe he liked it when he was beat  
by a girl.

We skipped into the gym giggling and stopped abruptly when we noticed five sets  
of eyes staring back at us.

"What are you guys staring at? Can't a girl giggle in peace? Gawd, you all are such  
fucktards!" Ali laughed, making us snicker even more.

In a lame attempt to stop the giggle attack, I sat down on the wood floor and  
breathed deeply while I held my stomach.

Rose entered the gym, her eyes quickly assessed the situation.

"What is so funny, you two?" 

Ali spoke up first, "I don't know, Bells started it... and it's just kinda contagious, you know?"  
I attempted to rearrange my face into a more serious face, but that seemed have  
made everything funnier.

With her hands balled at her hips, and looking even less pleased than before, Rose  
flashed a snarling smile before she started shouting out orders.

"Stretches, fat asses...stretch!"

We all obeyed, but every time my eyes met Ali's, we were again overcome with fits  
of laughter. I barely managed to complete my stretching routine as Rose ordered the  
other five girls to line up for individual shots. By the time it was my turn I had  
calmed down enough to feign composure in front of the camera.

"Bells, you're up!" Rose yelled from behind the photographer. Ducking my head as  
I got up I quickly and scurried over to the photographer with my pompoms in hand.  
Just as I had hoped, I didn't have to fake my smiles. Every time, he treated me like  
a human doll, posing me with my hands on my hips, pompoms at my feet, bent at the  
knee and right foot on its tip, I relived my sucker punch, and snickered.

Once the individual photos were done, we all fell into the pyramid formation we  
had rehearsed, as always with Ali on top. She was the smallest and the best on our  
team. As usual, I didn't expect to be invited; considering my lack of coordination, it  
was a guarantee it would tumble if I even tried. So, instead, I positioned myself into  
the splits in front with pompoms held to my hips and a giant shit-eating grin on my  
face. Momentarily, I was thankful my mother wasn't here to smear Vaseline over my  
teeth to make them sparkle in the photographers light. For once, I got to smile all on  
my own.

The photographer snapped away, encouraging us with generic phrases like "good  
job" and a few "looking good, girls."

My impeccable mood held until the final pictures were snapped. The photographer  
was putting his camera and equipment away when I spotted movement next to the  
bleachers. I quickly got up to investigate. Not paying enough attention, my toe  
caught on the polished hardwood gym floors. I quickly lost my balance and stumbled  
into the shadow I was approaching. Hands extended, I had already braced myself for  
a fall. But, instead of cold hardwood floors my palms met warm, muscular cotton  
covered flesh. Strong arms caught me by the waist, surprised by the unexpected  
warmth tingles.

"Whoa there, Laila Ali."

I looked up to the face of my rescuer and couldn't help the groan that escaped my  
mouth.

"Edward, Arggghh!" I pulled myself away and smoothed my outfit. "What are you  
doing here? This is a closed shoot, cheer team only, absolutely no jack-asses  
allowed."

A crooked grin graced his lips as he chuckled his response. "Sorry, without my  
all-knowing guide, I guess I got myself lost in this mammoth of a building."  
If I hadn't just witnessed what a douche-bag he actually was, I might have been  
weak in the knees. With his asinine ways freshly in mind, I prepared myself with a  
snarky retort.

"What-ever, get the fuck away from me," I said as I shoved his hands from my  
waist and began backing away. "Those of us ran by ignorance have more important  
things to do than ponder the universe in dark corners of gymnasiums. Now if you  
will excuse me, I have somewhere else I need to be."  
Turning on my heels, I flicked my hair in his face and headed across the gym..  
Screw him, why would he be lurking around during the cheer team's photo-shoot?  
He had already made himself abundantly clear how he felt about cheerleaders.  
I jogged to the exit and busted through the doors into the girls' locker room.  
Wasting little time, I reaching into my top as the doors closed behind me and pulled  
out the two flesh-like inserts Rose had shoved in my bra. No wonder they were  
referred to as chicken cutlets, they looked exactly the same. I smiled at the  
gelatinous form that jiggled in my palm; hastily I shoved them into the outside pouch  
of my backpack. Without hesitation I pulled off the false eyelashes and stuck them  
on the outside of Ali's locker , while I moved to the sink to wash my face. Scrubbed  
with the gritty bathroom soap until it was nearly raw, I made sure all of the residual  
of the make-up was gone. Once I was done I assessing myself in the mirror while I  
dried off with the stiff brown paper towel. Removing the ribbons from my hair I  
pulled the ponytail out and let the hair cascade loosely around my shoulders. After  
combing it through with my fingers, I tied my hair back up into a messy bun and  
sighed in relief.

Okay that was better.

The morning moved quickly into lunch. I settled myself in the back corner of the  
lunchroom at our usual table, I was nestled between Emmett and Jake while I picked  
at my carrot sticks. I sniffed the air and cringed. Jake even smelled like a wet dog. I  
was so obsessed in trying to lean away from the arm Jake had draped across the  
back of my chair, I barely noticed when Jasper showed up at the table with company.  
My lack of awareness came crashing down when I heard the familiar unpleasant  
voice respond to my brother.

"Yeah, I played a bit of baseball at St. Matthews back in Chicago."  
I seethed and looked across the table; what is he doing sitting with my friends?  
Running his fingers through his shaggy hair, it was obvious that Jasper was  
attempting to be nonchalant in his recruitment.

"You any good?" Jasper asked.

Edwards eyes flickered from Jasper to me before he responded.  
"All state, two years in a row. It would have been in the bag this year too. But now  
I'm here," he responded half-heartedly.  
I glanced around the lunch room in a feeble attempt to avoid him completely.  
Unable to resists, I tried to sneak a side glance at him. He was staring at me with  
his lips pursed and eyebrows furrowed in silent query. I should have expected that  
Jasper would try to make nice with the new guy.  
I didn't even try to suppress the sharp snort that escaped me.  
Of course, Edward was first to react, quickly his malice filled eyes met mine.

"Something funny?" He sneered.

"No, just pathetic," I quipped. I got up from the table and gathered my sorry  
excuse for a lunch and shoved it back into the paper bag. "Well, it's nice to know we  
are now the goodwill table. I have to go work on a paper. Maybe you guys should go  
pick someone up from the Special Ed room to make this little group complete."  
In a huff, I headed toward the door and tossed my lunch in the trash next to the  
entrance.

Once safely in the hall, I made my way to Emmett's locker and dug out the XXL  
black Nirvana hoodie he stashed for me. I surveyed the halls as I closed the locker.  
When I was sure the coast was clear, I found my way to the library and snuck back  
into the farthest corner. I nestled down into a small chair that I had stored there and  
pulled the sweatshirt on. It was big enough for me to pull my knees to my chest and  
slide it over my entire body, which left only my feet peeking out. I slipped the hood  
over my head, tilted my head down to hide my face, and inserted my ear buds.  
Scrolling through, I found the Violent Femmes and pushed play. I reached into the  
pocket of the hoodie and pulled out my tattered book and attempted to immersed  
myself in the world it provided; For now I was practically invisible, and I loved it, I  
desperately needed this time to collect myself.

I'm not quite sure why this guy got under my skin, but I was determined not to  
give him more thought than he deserved.

As lunch came to a close, I was looking forward to AP Biology. I had a lab table all  
to myself, and I wouldn't have to speak to another living soul for another fifty  
minutes.  
When the bell rang signaling the end of lunch, I shuffled my way to biology class.  
After reviewing the assignment on the chalk board, I made a mental check list of  
what items I needed from the supply closet.

Just as I had nearly collected all of the needed resources, Mr. Molina began to  
speak.

"Ah, Mr. Cullen, welcome. Please have a seat at table number four; you will be  
partners with Ms. Swan."

With arms weighed down by lab supplies, I leaned around the edge of the storage  
door and glared at Mr. Molina.

What had I done in a past life to deserve this?

"Mr. Cullen, should you need any help being brought up to date on our lesson, I'm  
sure Ms. Swan will be more than willing to fill you in."

The nasty little smirk Edward had sported earlier was once again on his lips, as  
his eyes searched the room.

"Thank you, Mr. Molina, I hear she is quite the girl. I might just take her up on  
that." Edward answered smugly.

Slowly, I moved my way back to table number four and laid our supplies out with  
precision, avoiding looking in his direction. After everything was laid out, I pulled  
out my syllabus and began identifying the slides and documenting the correlating  
answers.

I continued to ignore him as he stared directly at me and repeatedlycleared his  
throat. I was absolutely dying to know what he was up to, but I was too stubborn to  
give in and acknowledge his dramatic behavior. When he started sniffing the air  
around him, I couldn't contain my curiosity any longer and looked up at him.  
He turned and leaned toward the table behind us, a charming smile danced across  
his lips.

"Excuse me?" He whispered.

Lauren, Mallory, who seemed all too happy to be addressed by him shifted in her  
seat. She leaned across her table so that her face was only inches from his. The way  
her she batted her eyelashes and threw him a flirty smile, it was painstakingly  
obvious she found him attractive.

"Yes?" She responded in a breathy voice, everything about her body language  
screamed desperation. She might as well have had a neon sign above her head  
flashing cheap and easy.

I watched in amusement as he sniffed the air around her, his nose crinkled and  
faced twisted into a look of utter disgust.

"Oh God, no, that's most definitely not you. Has anyone ever told you it is not  
attractive to smell like a whorehouse; lay off the perfume, it's not helping. And close  
your legs, you're attracting flies."

I was completely in shock at the audacity he showed. I mean, I couldn't stand  
Lauren either, she had been flicking me shit since freshman year, but still, who in  
the hell did this guy think he was? Laurens face was flushed with embarrassment  
and her jaw hung slack. He was like a traffic accident that you hated to watch, but  
at the same time couldn't bring yourself to look away from. He repeated his  
performance, this time targeting Tyler and Mike, in front of us.

"Nope, not you two." Edward chuckled. "So that tantalizing scent must be coming  
from you, Ms. Isabella Swan. What is that, strawberries, lilac, and" he sniffed my  
hair "something else?"

I tried my best to ignore his little production; he was obviously an attention-seeker  
and I was so not into playing these sort of games, especially with him. With a  
surprisingly swift movement he smacked something fleshy on the labs table top. The  
loud slapping noise echoed through-out the classroom, which brought all eyes to us.  
"Oh look, this must be yours." His said, his tone deadpanned.  
My body flushed from head to toe, I was horrified to see that laid out on the table,  
in plain sight of our intrigued classroom, was the silicon bra insert that I had been  
wearing earlier that same day.

"Do you want to play a game of Prince Charming and Cinderella, I can see if it is  
the right fit?" He taunted cockily.

I didn't have to look up, I could feel every set of eyes in the room, burning into me.  
I grabbed the soft rubber boob, slid it off the table top and zipped it securely into my  
backpack.

I attempting to appear resilient and unaffected, and it was a lot harder than one would have  
thought, but I had years of experience in the matter. I threw myself back into the  
assignment and pretend as if the mummers and snickers that surrounded me  
weren't bothering me.

"So, you're not even going to answer me? Maybe you should show me its mate so I  
can make sure you're the right girl."

"Did you sniff it? Seriously?" My voice began to climb.

"Well if you prefer, I can just feel you up to make sure it fits. Those aren't just  
something you pick up at Walmart. Am I right?"

I was obvious he was not going to let this go until I responded to him in some  
fashion. I closed my eyes and released a heavy sigh before I responded.

"You are such an asshole. Can we just do our assignment?"  
This guy was such a pretentious ass; how was I going to handle having him as my  
partner all year?

With my response his evil little grin transformed into a cocky smile, he threw up  
his hands in false resign and then he winked at me.

"You're in charge, Ms. Swan," he announced more to the class then me.

I had never wanted a class to end so quickly in all of my life. By the time the bell  
rang, I was out of my seat and through the doors ahead of the rest of the class.

A/N check out The Big Empty by Stone temple pilots!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life in general sucks, my insanely overbearing mother has been shoving my ass in pageants since before I could walk, if it wasn’t for my pig of brother Emmett I would starve to death with the diet my mom tries to keep me on. I have a craptastic dog of a boyfriend and a workaholic Dad. My mom had the school build a shrine in the main lobby dedicated to my reign as Ms. Teen USA. Seriously…FML.

Chapter 2

 

A/N Once again I want to thank Detka, her brilliance not only helps me and teaches me, but she is hella funny too :D Thank you for making this chapter alot more readable. Thanks to Bethrow for just being you..my muse and for giving so much love to my future daughter in law ;) TRC you are always there and tolerater my constant rambling about my writing I love you guys!

The Big Empty

Chapter 2

The torrential downpour beat against the car's windshield, as it sped down the winding road toward Port Angeles; the stereo played Barry Manilow's Copacabana. I slid off my Toms, pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my cheek on my folded arms; my eyes barely registered the blurs of green we passed.

The warmth of the car's heat blasted at the top of my head, my crown was scorching hot.

My mother prattled on about what she thought my next competition should entail. Her ideas were always so generic and old fashioned; I couldn't help but tune her out.

While letting my mind wander, I kept coming back to Edward. I couldn't wrap my mind around why he hated me so much. I could be a bit reserved and people often made the mistake of assuming I was stuck up, but he made no pretense of his dislike for me.

I sighed loudly and scratched my cheek against my sleeve.

"What, may I ask, is your problem this time, Isabella?"

"Nothing, Mom, I'm just thinking."

"About?"

I knew better than to answer that question honesty. History had proven time and again that any attempt to express my feelings to my mother would be a waste of her time and mine.

When I was four, I had begged her to let me go to Rose's birthday party; Everyone was going, but only Ali and I had been invited to sleep over. I was over the moon with excitement. She ignored my pleas, reminded me of the importance of my training, and took me out of town for coaching.

At six I told her that my violin instructor slapped me in the back of the head every time I made a mistake, she just shrugged and reminded me that if I were a better player I would not have had the problem in the first place.

Finally, at thirteen, I freaked out when I started my period during a competition. All I knew about menstruation had been taught to me in health class. The new development in my body had taken me by surprise, I was frantic when I realized I was without the appropriate supplies. When I went to my mother for help she screamed at me for not paying more attention "to the signs". All I could think was, what was that supposed to mean anyway?

Basically, she had taught me to ignore my own needs and deal with disappointment. And most of all, never ever rely on her for anything she wasn't interested in giving. Over the years my own needs fell by the way side and I slowly became consumed by what I referred to as The Big Empty.

So, when she asked a question that I knew she didn't really want to deal with, I chose to make it simple on both of us and went with the good old fall back. This was precisely one of those situations.

"I'm just thinking about talent for the pageant," I mumbled.

"Pfft, why must you make it sound so utterly painful? Isabella, don't over dramatize this. Sometimes you act as if I abuse you with these things. Do you know how many girls would just die to be in your shoes? To have the opportunity to travel, to have a family and coach that dotes on you, and the prettiest things that money can buy. You, Isabella, are incredibility lucky."

Oh God, here she goes again. The speech about how lucky I am to be me.

"Mom, I wasn't complaining. I was just….brainstorming," I stammered.

"Oh, very well then. Anything you would like to work out with me? You know I have a ton of fabulous ideas!" She rushed on like an excited school girl. "I was thinking we could dress you in white with large angelic wings. Oh!" She gasped. "We could hook you to a harness and cable system, you could begin playing off stage, then slowly be lowered down while you played something ..…romantic." She sighed, her eyes were glossed over as if she was imagining this more for herself and I groaned inwardly.

I had no idea what kind of response to give; I mean, seriously? Being an angel, descended onto stage from cables? My coach would never put her name on that, and to be frank, I would rather have my mother disown me first.

"Um…Wow, Mom, that's really…errr spectacular."

Shit, why did I suck so badly at faking sincerity?

I could feel her wrath boiling to the surface when she eyed me wearily. "Are you patronizing me, young lady? It's not becoming."

"No! Mom, no, no, no. It's just, that sounds so...extravagant. Plus, that would probably cost a ton of money and I'm not sure it hasn't already been done. But, we would definitely have to look into that." I rolled my eyes again but this time at myself

Nice save, Swan.

"Darling, you know there is no expense I wouldn't cover to win that crown. Just think about it, even if it's been done, we could do it better. If you decide you want it, I will get in contact with the right people." She smiled smugly and gave me a wink.

Burying my face in my arms and sighed. "Sure, I will talk to Le'Raunt."

God, my mother was hopeless.

The ride could not have been over fast enough. If we were stuck together much longer, in my next performance she would have me dressed like Scarlett O'Hara and singing show tunes. My stomach lurched at the possibility.

When we arrived at the familiar old, two story brick building, she pulled up to the curb in front and let me fumble my way out of the car.

"I will be right behind you, honey," Mom said as I slammed the door.

The wind and rain whipped my hair as I rushed to Le'Raunt's door. Shielding my head from the rain with my tote, I made my way into the building. As the door clicked shut behind me, I knew I was in my safe haven. The constant stress that I carried with me dissipated when I heard the upbeat sound of Le'Raunt humming to "Born this way".

"Bella, darling?" A loving and familiar voice called out from the next room.

"I'm here." I responded, tossing my bag to the floor.

When I turned around, Le'Raunt scooped me up into one of her bear hugs, lifting me off the ground with her strong, graceful arms.

"Oh, sweet little Bella, I've missed you so much," Le'Raunt purred as she kissed my forehead and set me back on my feet. I beamed up at her, her eyes radiated with love and warmth and when I was with her so did I.

It was not something I could control, most of the time I moved through the world never having the opportunity to feel. I had resigned to accept the emptiness, however, when I was with her everything was perfect. I had spent many days as a child daydreaming about running away and living with Le'Raunt's family. It had often been the only thing that had kept me from falling apart, but years ago I had come to terms with my situation and was just thankful for the small pieces of heaven I was awarded during my regular visits to her home.

"Le'Raunt, it has only been a week," I giggled. "How are James and the girls?"

"Oh, you know, that old fool is just fine." She teased. "Nessie and Jane are perfect as always! Did your mother drop you and leave?" She asked peaking around me.

I knew that my response would not please her, so instead of answering her right away I pretended to pick a piece of fuzz from her chocolate-brown angora sweater.

"No, she's parking the car."

Giving me a knowing smile, she responded gently, "Then we will have to find something to keep her busy, now wont we?"

She led me into the sitting room with her arm lovingly draped around my shoulder. She was exactly what I wished my mother could be. The irony of the situation was that my mom was intimidated by her. Not so much the reality of her, but what she had been. Le'Raunt hadn't always been a woman. She was born male and had grown up in a family unwilling to accept that she had known that she was in the wrong body. When she turned eight teen she had begun participating in procedures to correct her body.

She had told me time and again, "Legs like these do not belong on a black man!" This was one of La'Raunt's personal affirmations she spoke, and to be honest I couldn't agree with her more. She had met James in her late 20's during her own career in pageantry, and after five years of wedding bliss they adopted two lovely little girls. Wanting to spend more time with her children, she opted to leave the competitive realm and became a coach, taking only one student at a time.

When I had first met Le'Raunt, I was six and had been through eight coaches in four years. Everyone considered my quiet personality an impossible draw back in the vicious world of pageantry My then coach, Ms. Tanner, was trying to coax me out of the coat closet to get ready for a performance. I had all but given in to a full-blown temper tantrum. After two hours of unsuccessful bribery and yelling, Ms. Tanner declared me a lost cause and submitted her immediate resignation to my mother.

In the mean while Le'Raunt had quietly observed the disaster play out from the shadows of backstage. While Ms. Tanner and my mother shrieked at each other, Le'Raunt settled down on the floor of the closet, in which I was hiding, and started singing softly, combing the curls of a dark haired doll. Hearing the sweet song I poked my head around my mother's coat and waited anxiously to see if it was trap. When I had finally decided she was safe, I had slowly came out of hiding until I was only inches from her.

"Well, hello there little princess," she whispered. "I happen to have another baby you could play with, would you care to join me?"

Her eyes were warm and kind, and I was tired and bored. Without hesitation, I slid to the ground and accepted the doll. I didn't know how long we played there, changing the dolls hair and clothes, but when I did look up my mother was standing in the door leaning angrily against the frame, glaring at us both.

"Princess, will you excuse me while I talk to your mama?"

"Uh huh." I was too absorbed in playing to care. Every moment of each day was scheduled for me, from dress fittings to training, I was rarely ever allowed to just sit and play. For the first time in so long I felt normal. I was never made aware of the details of that conversation, but from that day forward Le'Raunt had been my coach, and I had grown to love her, even more than my own mother.

The slamming of the front door pulled me from my reminiscing, as the tornado that was my mother descended on the room.

Unfazed, Le'Raunt quickly set her plan to distract my mother in motion.

"Renee, darling! I am so glad you are here. I could really use an espresso, but I didn't have time before you, ladies, arrived. Be a good dear and fetch me one."

Twisting her hands anxiously, my mother stared at her in a fumbled stupor.

"I was hoping to have a chance to go over some ideas I had for Isabella's next competition, but I guess I could run next door…"

"Oh no, darling, I need a Starbucks. To be more specific, a quad-grande,-non-fat- no whip, iced mocha, and little Isabella here is looking to skinny. Why don't you pick her up a venti vanilla bean frappuccino with extra whip and a donut? One of those yummy old-fashioned kind. We can't have her falling out of her dresses now, can we?"

My mother's mouth opened and closed a few times. It was obvious she was grasping for words and I couldn't help but stifle a giggle. I so rarely got to see someone gain the upper hand on my mother. It made me downright giddy.

"I really want to stay," she finally mumbled.

Le'Raunt didn't even have to look up at my mother for me to catch the mischievous glint in her eye.

Releasing a deep exasperated sigh Le'Raunt began to speak"Oh darling, you know I don't like stage mothers in my meetings. Do we have to do this every session? Please don't make me remind you of our contract."

It was common knowledge my mother would never challenge the contract. She had known for years that other girls had tried to steal Le'Raunt away. Offers of money, exotic travel, and even new cars had been dangled in front of her, but her love for me kept her securely at my side. Even when she threatened my mother like this, I knew she would never leave me. She loved me far more than that.

"Well...okay, I will be back in about an hour. Is it alright if I just stay in the kitchen while you two gir…" My mother cut herself off and fumbled for words again. She never actually allowed herself to refer to Le'Raunt as a female. "You two work?"

With a dismissive wave of her hand Le'Raunt sent my mother on her way. "Whatever floats your boat."

As my mother turned to leave, I began rummaging through my bag to retrieve my sketch pad and pencils. Once all of my supplies were laid out on my lap, Le'Raunt and I settled on the overstuffed sofa and went to work.

She pulled out a board of fabric swatches and tossed them to me. With a mission, I started flipping through them. As much as I despised pageant life, she had always managed to make it fun when it was just the two of us.

"So, Princess, do we have any ideas for what our theme will be?" she asked, not waiting for a response she gestured toward my uniform. "Are you comfortable in that?"

Seeing my shrug, she briefly left the room and returned with an oversize gray hoodie and passed it to me. I grinned and slid it on and wrapping it over my curled up legs. She always knew exactly what would put me at ease.

"Thanks."

Once I saw it, I realized what I had been looking for. "Cobalt blue," I said, snatching up the piece of fabric, and passing it to her.

She held the fabric against my face at the hairline and nodded with a knowing smile.

"That will be perfect and I think your swimsuit should be this same color, in velvet one piece pin up girl cut."

I began sketching the idea in my book. Once the drawing was done I stapled the swatch to it.

"Talent?" she asked in a very matter-of-fact tone.

That was easy. Everyone knew that I had one and only talent.

"Violin."

Nestled next to me a husky laugh escaped her as elbowed me gently in the ribs.

"Well of course, love, but what will your piece be? You wowed the judges with 'Rolling in the deep' last time. What's next, silly girl?"

I nibbled my lower lip, I was already regretting the promise I had made to my mother in the car.

"Well Mom has this ridiculous idea..." I proceeded to tell her all about the angelic performance my mother had droned on about during the ride.

"She might actually be on to something," She spoke after a minute of silent contemplation." What if we had you dressed in a black sparkling gown and black wings. The background could be a cobalt blue night, with twinkle stars behind you. Your hair hiding your face while you are perched on a bird swing. While the swing comes down and gently swings throughout your song. All the judges would see would be a silhouette."

I was so surprised, my mother would be pleased and so would I. Only Le'Raunt could find a way to make me nearly invisible on stage.

"Can we do that?" I asked with awe in my voice.

"Well of course, princess, we can do whatever you like!"

My time with Le'Raunt flew by. My mom returned a little over an hour later and unwillingly handed over my treats.

I greedily sucked on the drink and devoured the donut before my mom could stop me.

Le'Raunt hovered over me with concern in her eyes before she addressed my mother.

"Renee? May I speak to you in the other room?"

Mother followed obediently while I continued to work on the sketch of the violin performance and finished every last drip of my creamy, delicious drink.

The ride home was more awkward then on the way there. My mother didn't speak, nor did she turn on the radio. She seemed content to stew in silence. When we reached the Forks city limits, she gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles while she cleared her throat before she began to speak.

"Your coach feels you are too thin and it could compromise your ability to win the nationals. It is being insisted that I up your caloric intake by at least 1000 calories a day, with no additional exercise."

Her voice was cold and hallow and it was obvious how pissed off she was; she hated when her parenting skills were brought into question.

If Le'Raunt was concerned I was too skinny, then my mother would listen and she would feed me accordingly. I felt slightly giddy at the possibility that lay ahead.

"Okay," I mumbled, trying to hide my excitement.

My tone must not have gone unnoticed, because she glared down at me with what I could only interpret as her attempt to intimidate me. She wouldn't be very successful this time. In my life, it was well known that the only person that trumped my mom was Le'Raunt, if she had instructed that I eat more, and that was absolutely fucking awesome.

"Don't think you can go eating junk food all the time. We will work some small amounts of complex carbs into your meals. But, beside a few minor changes, everything else will stay the same. Do you understand me?"

Not wanting to engage in an argument with her, I had resigned to keep my tone compliant.

"Sure," I made a silent prayer in my head, thanking God for sending me Le'Raunt. She had not only been the best coach I had ever had, but also a better friend than I could have ever hoped for.

A/N I so love Le'raunt. I think Bella might be full on crazy with Renee as a mother without the breath of fresh air that is Le'Raunt...so tell me your thoughts. thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
Authors notes:

Thank you to Bethrow Toll, The Red Ceara and the brilliant Detka you girls absolutely rock! I know that these are slightly different rolls and Bella is not as much of an introvert as some would like, but she rings true to me. Because given a different environment upon upbringing, how different would ones personality be? If you could think this question as you are reading and with an open mind I hope you too will see Bella the way I do.

I wrapped the pillow around my face and tried to untangle my legs from the ivory down comforter. My Pajamas were twisted in a bunch and the clock read 12:57 a.m. I had tried everything, but sleep wouldn't come. I rolled out of bed, stumbled across the room and collapsed in the computer chair. Mac-Book hummed to life when I flipped it open.

My eyes strained against the monitor's bright light. At the computer's request, I plugged in my password and guided the little arrow to the web address bar.

As usual, Facebook loaded quickly. My first notification was from Jake, "Hello, sexy, girl, I wanted to tell you one more time how hot you looked today. I can't wait to get you alone after homecoming ;)"

Ewww, he wouldn't be doing anything alone with me after homecoming, gross! Delete.

Another message popped up, Alice Brandon wants you to join her sorority life.

Oh, my god, only she would want to be in an online sorority. Pfft, I am totally ignoring that invitation.

Curiosity was killing me, I couldn't wait any longer. With shaking, nervous hands, I plugged in Edward Cullen's name into the the search box. His profile picture confirmed I had the right person. He was lounged against the drivers door of a silver car, with his hands relaxed across his chest and a goofy grin on his face.

I clicked on the link to his profile and held my breath while it loaded.

Wall wide open, sweet!

I scanned the page quickly. When one post in particular caught my attention, I dug in and started snooping.

Her profile picture showed a waifish, platinum-blond, seductively, licking an ice-cream cone.

Katie D.

"Hey, Eddie, how's butt-fuck Egypt treating you?"

Edward Cullen

"What more could you want, toothless hillbillies and inbred, pregnant, twelve years olds. It's a wonderland. : /"

Katie D.

"Well, getting laid should be easy. LOL, find any potential ass?"

Edward Cullen

"Slim pickings for anything worthwhile around here. Fuck, I'm gonna need to get used to hearing, 'Daddy don't do it like that.'"

Katie D.

"OMFG! Eddie, you're fucking hilarious!"

Edward Cullen

"But...I might have seen one piece with potential."

Katie D.

"And?"

His response was a link to a Photobucket image. Once I clicked on it, I rubbed my shaking, clammy hands up and down my thighs and tried to register what it meant. It was a photo of the trophy case in the entryway of my high school; to be more specific, my trophy case.

Most of my trophies were decorated in our family room because my mother needed to stroke them lovingly, each and every day. However, to my utter dismay, the principal and my mother had insisted on putting my more recent win on public display in my high school, and ever since the "2010 Miss Teen Washington" alter was constructed, I had taken great care to avoid that area of the school. It's not as if it made me feel embarrassed or anything, maybe that was why I had an issue with it; it served to remind me that I wasn't much more than the shell of a teenage beauty queen.

I couldn't put into words how much I hated that picture on Edward's page. In the photograph's forefront was a five-foot trophy, encrusted with cobalt blue and silver embellishments. My full name Isabella Marie Swan, was inscribed on the base next to the title". Three levels of columned tiers supported a perfectly polished statue of a girl in a ball gown, wearing a tiara, and roses in her arms. On the ground to the left of the trophy, was a bouquet of two dozen dried roses, and on the the opposite side was my large, ornate tiara resting on a deep blue velvet pillow that was trimmed with silver piping and tassels on all four corners.

Behind the trophy was a marble shelf was a marble shelf holding a large framed picture of me standing on stage in a ruby red evening gown, holding a bouquet of roses that matched my dress perfectly. It felt like the person in the picture wasn't me but a complete stranger with overly done hair, gobs of stage makeup plastered on my face, and sporting a large toothy smile.

I couldn't have cared less about the things in that cabinet, all I cared about was the $30,000 scholarship that had come with them. It was part of my ticket away from here, and away from her.

Why would he have taken a picture of this?

Katie D.

"Shit, Eddie does she parade around school looking like that?"

Edward Cullen

"No, but she is a pain in the ass."

Katie D.

"HIT IT!"

Edward Cullen

"IDK. She's a kind of a mind fuck…I thought she might just be a follower, but after I saw that shit... Yeah, it's pretty clear she is the motherfucking queen of the glory whores."

Katie D.

"Dude, call me, I need to hear the deets."

Edward Cullen

"Not tonight, maybe later. I'm out."

Glory whore? That's what he thought of me? Queen of the Glory Whores. Yeah, getting up might have been a bad idea, I guess there would be no sleep for the wicked.

I fumbled around on my bedside table to shut off the torture that was my alarm clock. 5:00 a.m. had come too soon. I felt like I had been hit by a mack truck. I stared at the ceiling and contemplated skipping my run for another hour of sleep.

Glory Whore.

The title would haunt me; how many other people thought of me this way or was it just him?

Before I could get lost in my own mind, I pulled myself upright and rubbed my palms against my eye sockets. In my mind's eye, I saw again the picture taken by Edward. I slid out of bed and turned on the bedside lamp. Having taken my pajamas off, I dressed in my stained sweats and a Harvey danger t-shirt, slipped on my socks and tattered running shoes, I was prepared for a mind cleansing run. Only one thing was missing.

I peeked in my brother's room and wrinkled my nose. I couldn't help but be disgusted by the smell of sweaty boy and gym socks that permeated in his personal space.

"Emmett," I whispered.

When he didn't respond, I slid inside the door and tip toed over to his bed. Leaning over him until I was inches from his head, I flicked his ear.

"Emmett, wake up."

He pulled the blanket over his head in a sad attempt to shut me out.

"Izzy Bells, go away."

"Emmett, get up!" I said and poked at him., "It's time to run."

He reminded me of an overgrown child, "Noooo, go away."

This time I pushed him with force, "Come on!"

Pulling his pillow over his head, he hunkered deeper down into his nest of blankets.

"I hate you, go away," he moaned.

Desperate times, called for desperate measures, I stood upright and placed my hands on my hips. Trying my hardest to sound serious, I began to threaten him with what I imagined to be the worst possible consequence.

"If you don't get up, right now, I am going to tell mom about your porn stash."

"Ahhh, way to fight fair, Sis," he whined, sat up against the head board and rubbed his eye's.

Practically dancing my way back to the door, I stopped to taunt him over my shoulder.

"Five minutes, you… at the front door…. or Mom gets to see, Anal Anna cums hard."

"I don't have that one yet!" he exclaimed, and launched a pillow in my general direction. I closed the door just in time to hear it thump against the door knob.

Still snickering, I made my way to the kitchen to grab a snack before we headed out. The kitchen light was already on and I cautiously moved to the door frame to peek inside.

"It's alright Bells, your mom is still asleep." My fathers deep voice came from behind the fridge door.

I caught the apple mid air, just before it hit my face. "Hey, thanks, Dad." I smiled around a large bite.

Dressed in his Sheriffs uniform, he looked ready for the day, but the dark bags under his eyes gave away his sleepless night.

"Morning, kiddo, you going for a run alone?"

"Emmett will be down in a minute." I shifted between my feet. It was hard to talk to my Dad, most of his answers were either one word or barely audible grunts. He read the Seattle times and Tacoma News tribune from front to back daily. Between reading and work schedule, there had been little face time through the years. Most days, he was at the department from the time I got up and stayed there well after I was asleep . I knew he loved me, but there was no real relationship to speak of.

I heard Emmett's feet move rapidly down the stairs, I leaned towards my Dad and kissed him on the cheek before I threw the apple core into the trash.

"Later, Dad, love you."

"Love you too, kiddo, be safe out there."

Emmett and I met at the door. I pulled on my light-weight, black hooded sweatshirt, and grinned up at him.

He gave me the side eye and a gentle elbow to the ribs.

"You know you're a slave driver, right?"

We settled in the grass of the front yard and began our stretching routine. After fifteen minutes, our muscles were ready to go..

Once again, our bodies fell in unison as we moved down the street. The air was wet as the white fog swirled around us in the darkness; the only light was the handful of street lamps that were placed sporadically down the road ways. I concentrated on my breathing in a silent battle to avoid thinking about what I had seen the night before. I pulled my hood up over my head and stared straight ahead and concentrated on the swing of my arms and the pattern of my footfall.

Right, left, right left.

The welcomed burn started in my thighs, and slowly spread through my muscles. It was heavenly to feel my body come alive after a long restless night; I enjoyed the fact that the streets were nearly empty with the exception of a car or two that passed us on main street.

"Mind if I join you guys?" The smooth, familiar voice echoed thought the crisp morning air.

I nearly stumbled from shock, and had to make a conscious effort to keep the pattern I had substantiated, prior to his intrusion.

Emmett sounded winded as he replied, "sure."

Unwilling to give away my identity through my voice, I nodded in agreement.

Glory Whore. Glory Whore. Glory Whore, chanted in my mind while I felt the familiar flush of embarrassment spread across my face.

I used the frustration that bubbled in my stomach to push myself harder. I broke away from the closeness of my brother, moved in front of the two guys, and exerting myself. Without much effort, they matched my speed. Edward's heavy breathing was distracting and I regretted not bringing my Ipod with me to tune him out.

We continued to move through the streets with only the sounds of our feet on pavement and our heavy pants to keep us company.

Thirty-five minutes later, the three of us collapsed in my front yard.

"Damn, you, guys, know how to push yourselves," Edward huffed.

"Yeah, Bells was on fire this morning." My brother puffed.

Sparing a glance in Edward's direction, I watched as the shock spread across his face. The jig was up, so I peeled off my sweatshirt in to allow my body to cool down.

I could feel his inquisitive eyes raking over my sloppily clothed frame.

"Isabella?"

Tossing my sweatshirt on the grass next to me I spread my legs out, and straightened my back. I brought my nose to my knee and felt the muscles in my thighs and lower back stretch.

"Yeah, what?"

He rubbed the back of his neck and stared at his feet for a long moment before answering. I took advantage of the opportunity to take a good look at him. The first hint of sunrise was painting the sky behind him, when our eyes finally met, I couldn't help but appreciate the aesthetics of him. He had one hand pushing his shirt up, while he gently scratched his stomach. The muscular V of his lower abdomen was visible and as if it were a blinking directional sign my eyes were drawn north. My eyes trailed back up his cut body and my fingers tingled, I wanted to touch his 5' o'clock shadow, my mouth watered when the porch light behind me reflected in his emerald green eyes.

"You just look different," he mumbled.

My mind was raced

"Glasses!" I blurted out

I had just noticed for the first time that he wasn't wearing the black horn rimmed glasses he had been the day before.

"Huh?"

"You're, uh…not wearing your glasses, do you wear contacts?

"Err no," he chuckled, "The glasses are just accessories."

Embarrassment surged through me, but when I looked at him like this, all sweaty and breathing heavy, I seemed to forget what a douche he really had been. I couldn't help but visualize touching the hair on his stomach while I pressed my body to his, and sucked on his plump bottom lip.

"I got to get ready, Come on Em."

I need a cold shower

"See ya later man." Emmett waived in the general direction of Edward. But Edward stood in the middle of my yard, staring at me with his head cocked to the side and frowning.

Time flowed on Tuesday, for the most part without much excitement. I didn't bother going to the cafeteria for lunch and headed straight for the library with a brief pit stop at Emmett's locker. I needed today to be as low maintenance as possible. Yesterday had been drama filled and the early morning seemed have to laid groundwork for another catastrophe day. Going out of my way to avoid Edward had kept my day somewhat quiet, but I just couldn't shake the feeling I was being watched, especially when I was hiding in the library. I could barely get past a chapter of my book, because I kept having to stop and looking around, but there was never anyone around. I was pretty sure that by the end of the day I would start to question my sanity. Ten minutes before lunch ended, I went to Biology to appeal to Mr. Molina. I was ahead in his class, so I wasn't surprised when he excused me from his class.

Settling into my comfort zone of the front seat of the Jeep, I barely noticed when Emmett tossed his bags in the back seat of his jeep.

"Bells, I texted Mom and told her we are going over to Alice's to study, Dad and her plannedto make use of the alone time and are going on a date it in Port Angeles."

Flopping back into my favorite red chair in Alice's personal living room, I reveled in the mother-in-law suite she had all to herself. When she had turned sixteen it had been decorated for her to have her own space. Emmett, Jasper an Alice were busy in the kitchen pouring concoction into the six cups lined up in front of them. When they passed out five cups to all of booze , I began questioning the reason for the sixth cup.

"Did you invite Jake?"

"Nope" Alice chirped as she skipped across the living room, just in time to answer the knock at her front door.

To my surprise, when she opened the door, Edward stood in the middle with a lopsided grin on his face.

"Am I late for the party?" he asked.

Alice danced around excitedly before she settled on Jasper's lap.

"No silly, we are just about to play I never," Alice answered while she motioned for Edward to sit in the only available spot, which so happened to be right next to me. Emmett sat on the chair across the coffee table from with Rose lounging at his feet.

My eyes darted around the room anxiously.

"Uhh, you guys can play without me, drinking games aren't really my thing." I swallowed.

My brothers head whipped up, and met my inquiring gaze.

"Oh no you don't, Izzy Bells, you don't get to be a party-pooper tonight. You will be home and in bed before Mom and Dad get home, and anyways I really doubt most of these things will get you drinking anyway." Emmett laughed as he spoke.

Everyone else in the room laughed with the exception of Edward.

Feeling uncomfortable I allowed my fingers to run across the ridge of my cup

"Fine, but what happens in this room stays in this room, right?" I grumbled.

"Of course, Bells, don't be dramatic." Rose snorted while gesturing for us to get rolling.

With cups in hand, everyone continued to lounge aimlessly around the living room.

Emmett started, "I have never cheated on a math test."

Everyone in the room drank with the exception of me.

Rose was next. "I have never stolen anything."

Once again, everyone drank and I continued to played with my cup.

"I have never kissed a girl." Alice giggled.

This time Alice and Rose didn't drink, I slowly had to bring my cup to my lips, I closes my eyes and took a small sip, while the girls giggled.

I still couldn't bring my eyes up to meet the every-one's gaze, so instead I fained interest in my perfectly manicured cuticles.

"Really?" Jasper whispered.

I only shrugged. "You would be shocked by what happens at those away pageants." I still couldn't bring myself to look anyone in the eye, so I stared down at the liquid swirling around in my cup.

Jasper sighed deeply before he took his turn. "I have never skipped class."

It was not a surprise when I didn't drink.

It was my turn next, and I had been battling a strange hunch all day. In that moment, I decided to take a chance. If I was wrong I would know without making too much of a fool of myself.

"I have never spied on someone at school," I announced proudly.

I watched carefully as all cups stayed firmly in the lap of their counter part, with only one exception.

Edward quickly brought the cup to his lips and took a large, open mouth gulp.

So it was him that watched me today, but how had I not seen him?

Edward coughed as he spoke. "I have never had sex."

This time, everyone in the room drank

Eyes wide, Rose stared at me in shock. "No, fucking, way!"

"Oh my god, Bells, when?" Alice gasped."It wasn't with one of those pageant girls, was it?"

They were so ridiculous, I couldn't hold back my laughter.

"No! Oh my god, you two, you are both so nosey. Is this, I never, or is this, freaking, 20 questions?"

"I have never had a penis in my vagina." When he spoke, Emmett stared at me intently.

Jasper couldn't hold back, "Emmett, I fucking knew you were a hermaphrodite!"  
I quickly took my drink while everyone was busy laughing and harassed Emmett about his new found vagina.

Emmett's voice was barely above a whisper, his eyes were filled with shock and horror. "Sis, you have some explaining to do."

"I have never lead a boy on," Alice said.

Rose, looked at me pointedly and drank. "Drink up, Bells, Jake would be forcing that shit down your throat on that one."

I rolled my eyes and took a small sip.

The rounds kept going, when it was finally my turn I was feeling a little fuzzy and a lot giggly.

"I have never called a perfectly nice girl, Queen of the glory whores," I said

"She isn't perfectly nice," Edward mumbled around his cup before he drank.

I couldn't hold back the sarcastic laugh.

"I have never whored myself out for a crown," Edward said.

My laughter stopped and my mouth formed an O.

"Drink up, little girl, you know this one has your name all over it." The room was quiet. Edward's eyes were locked with mine. I couldn't decide if I wanted to punch him again or sit on his lap and suck on his plump lower lip. He may have been acting like a complete dick, but for some strange reason I still found him hot. It felt like the room was silent for hours before one of the guys finally cleared his throat.

"Okay, last question, loser finishes their cup!" Alice said, sounding overly chipper. "I have never eye fucked my neighbor during a battle of wills."

Without breaking eye contact, Edward and I both chugged down the contents of our cups.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
The night blurred into a mosaic of playful laughter, tonight I felt care free. Every time I turned around my cup was full and without even thinking I drank. Emmett and Rose had been in the spare bedroom for longer than I would like to think about, even in my altered state. Though I am usually not a big drinker, I was letting myself go with the flow. When I noticed it was nearing nine pm I frowned.

"Why the unhappy face Isabella?" Edward enunciated as he spoke.

"I need to get home soon, it's all fine and dandy with my parents if Emmett comes home sloshed but if I am not in bed when they get home all hell will break loose." I slurred, waving my hands around dramatically as I spoke.

"I'll take you; I think I'm good to drive."

"OoooohKay." I attempted to stand and realized how unstable my legs were. The room seemed to tilt slightly and I could not control the giggle that escaped my lips. After a moment of contemplation I decided on a rational choice, I dropped down to my hands and knees and started crawling towards the front door.

"What are you doing?" Edward questioned. His right hand rested on his hip as his left rubbed the back of his neck, staring down at me.

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm going to your car," I snorted, silly boy, "I figure the closer I am to the ground the less likely I am to hurt myself. Duh!" I giggled as I moved.

The idea was great until I got to the front door and for the first time realized I had to go down a stack of stairs to get to the drive way. The height alone was giving me the spins. I rolled over onto my back, pulled myself into a seated position and started moving down the stairs, one at a time on my butt. Edward followed behind me laughing loudly . When I finally reached the bottom I cocked my head to the side. Now, how was I going to get to the car without messing up my hands and knees?

"Trouble?" Edward asked with amusement in his voice.

"Yep, I don't wanna hurt my hands on this concrete."

Moving in front of me, Edward extended his hand to help me up, once I was on my feet he didn't stop there. He released my hand and bent over, grabbing me around the thighs and tossed me over his shoulder.

"Weeeeeeee!" I squealed as my hair fell over my head, I watched as it danced with every step he took.

"Shush," he sniggered as he slapped my ass.

"Well Mr. Cullen, you had better be careful with your liberties, I would hate to hurl down the back of your pants," I couldn't control my laughter as I reached down and slapped his rear.

"Feisty little thing aren't you?"

"Uh huh!" I grunted as he dropped me into the passenger seat of his car.

Edward moved around the car, opened his door and sat in the driver's seat with ease. As he turned the key bringing the engine to life, he laughed aloud and shook his head.

"What?" I demanded.

"Nothin, you're just not what I expected."

"Pffffft," I waived my hand at him dismissively.

We drove a few blocks in silence until I saw the neon lights of Mickey's burgers.

"FEEED ME!" I shouted.

"What?"

I leaned across my seat, moving my legs under my rear and grabbed his arm.

"FEEED ME!" I growled into his ear and broke out into another giggle, when I took a breath I was filled with the delicious smell of Edward. "Oh you smell yummy, maybe I will eat you!" I playfully licked his cheek.

"Well, um yeah, no umm, you have a boyfriend. I think a burger would be a better choice," I could hear the confusion in his voice as his face stiffened.

"Tthhhhhh" I blew a raspberry at him, "I don't like him much, he's lame," I grumbled, "Sooooorry I was just playing with you." I leaning back in my seat, sticking out my bottom lip in an exaggerated pout. "You don't have to get all squirly on me, it's not like I was grabbing your junk or anything."

I peeked up at Edward through my lowered eyelashes and bit my lip, as he turned into the drive thru I could tell he was trying to stifle a smile.

"What do you want?"

Besides you? I thought.

"A double cheese burger, onion rings and chocolate shake." I chided myself silently, even snockered that first thought would so not be okay.

He ordered two of everything I had asked for, when we reached the window I tried to hand him cash.

"Nah, its on me."

"Thanks."

When the overly done up blonde in the drive-thru passed the food to us, I noticed the way she smiled, leaning half way out the window giving Edward a full view of her nearly exposed assets.

"Skank," I muttered. Wow I must really be trashed. I never act like this but it just felt so good to be free. Girls did this stuff with Jake all the time and I couldn't have cared less, but when they did it to Edward I wanted to toss my shake in her face and this confused me. I shook my head in hopes of clearing it.

"That girl totally wanted you," I mumbled trying my best to not sound pissed.

"Shes not my type."

"Oh Really? What is your type?" I couldn't help but giggle as I asked.

"I prefer brunettes."

"Oh," was the only word I could get my mouth to form.

Edward pulled into an open spot and we started to eat in silence. I watched him from the corner of my eye, It was enthralling how emotions played across his face. He had his brows furrowed as he stared down at his burger.

A groan erupted from my throat as I took my first bite of the burger, Edward laughed and as I looked back at him I could tell he was trying to suppress a smile.

"So, why do you date the guy, if you don't like him very much?"

I shrugged, blood rushing to my face.

"That's not an answer."

"It's what's expected." I shrugged again.

"Of?"

"Him, our families, my Mom. Mainly my Mom," I muttered picking at my burger. I slid the pickle chip out of the bun and popped it into my mouth, licking my fingers clean afterwards.

"Okay, what about what you want?"

I stared at my burger, not really knowing what to say.

After minutes of silence I finished the last of my food. I couldn't meet his eyes. What did I want? I can't remember anyone asking me that before, except Le'Raunt, and that was only about pageant stuff. I wiped my mouth with a paper napkin before I spoke.

"I don't really know what to say to that, but for now I want to get home, it's getting late." My voiced sounded off and when he raised his eyebrows at me I knew he caught it.

We continued home in silence, with a belly full of food to soak up all the booze I was starting to feel a bit more solid.

When he pulled into my drive he turned to me and brushed a piece of hair behind my ear, his touch sent shivers through me.

"Do you need me to carry you to your bedroom?" he asked gently, his voice alone sent my nether regions into overdrive.

"No, thank you, I think I can manage," my voice quaked as I spoke barely above a whisper. I rummaged out my keys before exiting the car, then shuffled my way to the door. I had expected him to pull away as soon as I had shut the car door, but he didn't until I was inside the house with the door closed.

All the next morning I felt as if someone has taken a hammer to my temples. I completed my run with Emmett and Edward. After I physically and mentally prepared myself for the day I was leaning over the kitchen sink gulping down orange juice, hoping to get the taste of paste out of my mouth, when I heard my mother's screeching voice beckon me. For a split second shoving a sock in her mouth was an incredibly fascinating idea.

"Isabella, come to the door! Hurry up, the delivery man says he will only give the packages to you. He's in a hurry and hasn't got all day!"

Moving to the front door I paid special attention to my feet, though I am clumsy, I have found that it was more evident when I am distracted. I couldn't help but lean against the door for support.

"Isabella M. Swan?"

"Yes, that's me."

"I have two parcels for you, please sign here," he mumbled as he shoved a chocolate brown clip board in my face. Scribbling my signature with one hand I reached for the garment bag with the other.

"Don't forget this one," he spat thrusting the second bag at me. I nodded clutching the first to my chest and snatching the second with my free hand. I stumbled away and headed up to my room before the front door was closed behind me.

As I hang up the garment bag I notice a note attached, the impeccable penmanship is impossible to not recognize. Contently I sighed, Le'Raunt.

My Darling Isabella,

I know that the homecoming dance is this weekend and though I cannot be there I wanted you to know I was thinking of you. I have included your attire for the evening. Knowing how my little princess loves to be comfortable, I have shopped with your wishes in mind. Everything you need to be breathtaking is in these two bags. I hope as you get ready for the night you feel my love with you.

Adoringly,

Le'Raunt

This is exactly what I needed to get through the day. Unable to resist the urge to see what there was I took a quick peek inside the largest bag, as I hung it up. Though I didn't completely remove it, I gathered that there was a midnight blue cocktail dress inside. When I heard the shrill voice of my mother calling out my name I hastily zipped the bag closed, gathered my belongings and rushed to meet my brother for school.

The day flew by in a blur, by the time I made it home I had so many things to think about. First and foremost was the pending date with Jake that night, which had completely slipped my mind. Logic told me that I was being a miserable girlfriend. It wasn't his fault that I hated dating him, he was barely aware that I was with him purely out of obligation to him. I wished I could force myself to see him in a romantic way, but it wasn't possible. We had been friends since we were toddlers and it had been expected by everyone that we would be high school sweethearts, but I still wasn't feeling it.

When he had made linebacker, my mom had practically twisted my arm to accept his advances. When I finally gave in he was sweet, respectful and honestly what almost any girl could ask for in a boyfriend. Quick to compliment and never to criticize, he doted on me constantly.

It only made me feel stifled, irritated and it often took everything in me to not tell him to back the fuck off.

I noticed the way other girls eyed him in the halls, if I had actually cared, I might have been jealous. But I had decided long ago that I was broken, to be more accurate, my give a fuck was broken. I wish he would dump me for someone else. Someone who could care about him the way he deserved.

On our dates he usually tried to get past first base. What the poor guy didn't know was that I had to control my gag reflex every time he kissed me, and that is not fair. Not fair to him or me. When I actually allowed him to kiss me and his hands tried to move to areas that my swimsuit covered, I pretended I was a perfect lady, begging him to keep it PG. I had even concocted a fake chastity vow. I know shameful, right?

I couldn't imagine actually letting him touch my girly bits, it just seemed so incredibly wrong. I think my vagina actually shriveled a bit every time the thought crossed my mind.

But here I am, getting dressed for our date and I couldn't help trying to prep myself with excuses as to why we shouldn't be intimate. Maybe I could say I was on my period, that would be a good excuse. If he pushed I could blabber on about boobs being tender, cramps and maybe I would throw in a little bloating just for the effect. He didn't know I was on the depo shot. Only my mother and I knew that. I couldn't tell him because he would think it was in preparation for him to get down my pants. Little did he know my mother had insisted on it after my first period so that I wouldn't be compromised during a competition. One little shot every three months kept Aunt Flow from jacking up my $2,000 gowns. Now THAT was my mother's priority. I didn't mind so much, it made things easier. When Alice and Rose were bitching about bloating and cramps I would just smile and nod, because I had never been through it. One measly period was the extent of my transition to woman hood.

Wrapped up in my own inner musings, I laughed as I and looked in the mirror. One last comb through my hair and a blot of lip gloss and I could pass my mother's inspection.

As always Jake was on time with flowers for me, and my mother.

"Thanks Jake," I said as I turned so that his inbound kiss would land on my cheek.

"Anything for you Bells," he murmured his lips still against my cheek.

"Your car or mine?" I chirped with false enthusiasm. I hoped we would take mine. Since getting my cream convertible bug for my 17th birthday the week before, I had been in it only a handful of times. I really didn't care about driving and Emmett was so attached to his jeep. As seeing I was always with Emmett my new car had stayed in the garage. Jake's car was an old suped up rabbit that smelled like exhaust, had a loose muffler and the stereo didn't work. It was vile.

"Whatever you want," he grinned.

"My car it is." I tossed him the keys.

Once in the car, I plugged in the latest Lily Allen C.D and turned it up full blast, hoping to avoid conversation and that he might catch the meaning behind some of the songs. I skipped the cd forward to the track Never gonna happen. My passive aggressive side held its breath as the words started.

I don't wanna hurt you cause I don't think it's a virtue   
But you and I have come to our end   
Believe me when I tell you that I never wanna see you again   
And please can you stop calling cause it's getting really boring   
And I've told you I don't want to be friends   
Believe me when I tell you that I never wanna see you again.

How on earth could I be any more obvious?  
It never really did and now it's never gonna happen  
with the two of us  
I don't understand what it is that you're chasing after  
But it makes me really sad to hear you sound so desperate  
It just makes it harder

Unfortunately, he was absolutely oblivious and just hummed along to the music. I sighed in exasperation. Being the end of September it was too cold to put the top down, instead I cracked my window and gulped down the fresh air.

Minutes later I was settling in our booth in the town's only burger joint. I sat Indian style in silent encouragement for Jake to sit across from me.

We prattled on about school and silly gossip until our food arrived. After taking my first bite of burger I was feeling like we had run out of conversation. Digging for anything to fill the void I remembered the dress Le'Raunt had sent.

"Oh my dress is midnight blue for the dance."

He nodded in acknowledgement as he chewed. I watched as he wiped the mayonnaise that was oozing from the corner of his mouth when someone next to me cleared their throat.

"Well isn't it the two lovebirds."

Turned towards the voice, unable to form a single word I stared into his erotic green eyes. My limbs turned to jelly as I dropped my burger on top of my fries.

"Don't mind if I sit down, do you?" Edward asked as he broke eye contact and shoved my knee from the seat, forcing me to change my position and move my feet to the ground.

"So, this is the lucky guy?"

My face flushed as the tone of his voice registered that he was referring to the day before game of 'I never'.

I stared at him with rounded eyes, trying to mentally plead with him to stop talking.

"Hey Eddie, how's it hanging?" Jake choked as he spoke around a mouthful of food.

Oh my god, how disgusting.

"It's all good man, you guys sorting out the deets for the dance this weekend? How's the team lining up, think you guys are gonna win?"

I started to zone out on their conversation; I was too enthralled with the way my body hummed when he was so close. I could barely feel the heat of his body next to mine but it was enough to send me into trembles. I inhaled deeply through my nose, attempting to calm myself but it had the opposite effect.

Rather than smelling French fries and cheese burgers, I drew in an intoxicating breath of Edward. A strong mixture of citrus, wood and fresh air but there was something different I couldn't place it, something that just screamed sexuality. At the mere thought of the word in correlation to Edward my stomach erupted with butterflies. I looked across the table at Jakes deep brown eyes and tried to muster anything even slightly close to what Edward induced in me, but came up empty. As always, my senses didn't stir for him and all I could barely force myself to feel a small pang of friendship.

I moved closer to the wall and away from Edward, making a conscious effort to breathe through my mouth through the rest of the evening but even that didn't work. Either my imagination was working overtime or I could actually taste the electricity he put out.

I stared at my burger on the white checkered paper covering the red basket and poked around it at my French fries. After what felt like hours I finally tuned back into the conversation when I heard Edward giving me an out.

"Oh man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to Bogart your date," Edward chuckled.

"No, its fine, isn't it Bells?" Jake responded but I could barely fake a smile.

"Actually Jake, it's been a hectic week so far and I'm kind of tired. Is it okay if we go?" I asked batting my eyelashes up at him.

"Sure baby, whatever you want."

After Edward moved out of the booth, I shuffled past him I couldn't help but notice a glimmer in his eye as he gave me a cocky smirk.

"You kids have a good night," he called after us, his voice dripping with sarcasm. I had to fight the urge not go back and punch him in the gut, but would I hurt my hand on that chiseled six pack? Holy Shit! Mmmm his stomach, my mind was immediately filled with images of this morning, his hand moving gently over his etched abs. What in the hell is wrong with me? I rushed up next to Jake and clutched his hand in hopes of calming myself. He smiled down at me in surprise. I am officially loosing my god forsaken mind.

"Well, aren't we affectionate tonight," he laughed. "Do you feel like going for a ride down to first beach?"

"Can we not? I'm really tired, five a..m comes so fast." I faked a yawn.

"Of course," he responded as he kissed my hand and I had to fight the urge not to pull it away.

As we parked in my driveway with the car turned off, I turned to look at Jake. The car was swallowed by the dark night, the only light was from the stereo display. He smiled at me and I knew he was thinking I might want to fool around.

Not if hell freezes over and you are the last penis on earth, I thought.

Before he could make the first move I needed to say something. The conversation I had with Edward last night kept running through my mind. What did I want? I knew what I didn't want, and that was to be with Jake.

"Jake, we need to talk."

"Okay?" he looked confused.

"Look, stuff is crazy right now with all the prep for nationals, college apps and Junior year is supposed to be the toughest, you know?"

"Yeah," he said wearily.

"I don't know how to say what I am thinking really so I am just going to spit it out. I think we should break up."

"What?" he nearly shouted.

"I know you can tell things have been off for a while," shit things had never not been off with us, I thought and let out a frustrated sigh, "and I just don't think it's fair if I don't tell you what I am thinking. You should be having fun with your girlfriend, doing things…things that I am not ready to do. I know I sound all cliché and stuff but I really need to take some time. And…I need you to be good with it."

"Well, I'm not good with it. No. No, we are not breaking up or taking a break or fucking do anything like that. You can work through your stuff and still be with me. I will give you space but Bells, don't get me wrong, space or no space we are not splitting up." His tone was final, and very harsh. The knots in my stomach tightened.

Fuckity fuck fuck!

"Jake, I don't want to hurt you, you deserve better than what I can give you, right now and always. I don't think I can give you forever."

"Yes you can and you will. You are off tonight, you are going through something and like you did last time, you will get over it. When you do, you will be glad I didn't listen to you."

Knowing what had happened 'last time', I gulped hard. I pushed the memory away before it even had a chance to start. If I thought about it I might tell him, I know he still wouldn't break up with me even if he knew. He would just hold it over my head forever, using it against me, maybe even telling my Mother. It's not like he was cruel, he was desperate. Desperate to keep me. Though I didn't feel anything for him, I still didn't like to hurt him, and telling him would hurt him.

I nodded silently and quickly got out of the car. As he started to move with me towards the door I looked at him and shook my head in a silent 'no' and stuck out my hand, palm up and open. When he dropped the keys in it I turned and ran up my steps, practically throwing myself through the front door as I stumbled.

Once inside, I leaned against the front door and slid to the floor cradling my face in my hands. How could four little words have affected me so deeply. What did I want? I attempted to silence my inner voice, looking for what would make me feel... what do you want? I snorted at myself. It didn't really matter, I needed to stop fooling myself and just accept the cards that fate had dealt me. Life would be a lot simpler if I did.

AUTHORS NOTES;

I listened to the C.D Its not me its you by Lily Allen


End file.
